I'm fat and its killing me

Sep. 19th, 2017 11:40 am
ikneko: (Yuki)
[personal profile] ikneko
So he called me by my weight.

This is why I [word-verb] around the idea of getting a scale at home. The idea that I have to consciously watch what I eat and now workout coupled with the absolute deprivation of my privacy, and now being guilted by my body weight to do menial tasks and chores really came through as more than just my restless thoughts, it is reality now.

He truly does this and it bothers me.

We have had the scale for about a week and earlier he called me by my weight number to do the dishes.

Literally: "Hey ###"

I wanted to vomit. I've never been so humiliated and distraught. I couldn't even get angry at how he treated me. So with now knowing my weight, putting myself on a strict diet, eating three times a day, and working out at least three times a week, he's trying to do the same. It isn't to make himself feel or look better, it's simply because he sees me doing it. My partner/Tumor has a "Monkey See, Money Do" syndrome. He just copies everything I do. He even switched my deodorant because he realized that ours were different. He uses my shampoo, my razors, my tweezers, hair brush, combs. He drinks the same juice, eats the same cereal, will eat the same food I'm eating. He will play the same game, download the same mobile apps, register on the same websites, use the same social media. He just has to do everything I do. I'm surprised that he hasn't made a dreamwidth account yet, but he does have a Live Journal account.

Now with "us" exercising he wants to take the lead and be in control of my training. I have always hated working out with him because he doesn't realize when he is wrong and if you try to tell him so, he snaps. He doesn't like taking criticism or guidance. He just does what he feels is best for him, despite it not being the best course of action. For example, he's trying to force me on a piece of exercise equipment that we obviously do not fit on. We are short people and the bike is too large, even if it's adjusted to the shortest setting. Another note to this, the bike isn't ours as we are using the home gym in our building. It belongs to the landlord who set it up for his specifications, which means that we shouldn't be messing around with the settings to begin with. Either way, I can't reach the pedals comfortably and he's trying to force me to pedal, although my back is at a weird angle and my legs aren't turning properly because I'm over extending them to reach a pedal. He sees nothing wrong with this. "Try harder"

Listen, if I could grow three inches more with no problem I would. It's not something he could do either and I don't complain about it.

I'm already working my way through the elliptical and trying to push myself to do more time each day. Even if I add in a minute a day to reach my goal of an hour of elliptical exercise. Plus I am tracking my steps and activity throughout the work day to reach a goal of 20,000 steps a day. This will include jogging as I get more accustomed to working out. In November I will be going to a gym with a friend and I don't want to be so out of shape on my first few trips there.

I need someone to support me and help me. Not tear me down and humiliate me.

Kinda lost my writing flow as I was just locked out of my phone. *eye rolls*

Anyways I've compiled a random list of the books I recently finished reading. That will be in my next post.


Sep. 17th, 2017 10:35 am
pshaw_raven: (Perched Raven)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
So we made it through Irma. The power went out Monday morning at 12:20 and we ran on generators until Thursday evening. The big one could be fired up to run the well pump and the little one handled the house. Fans and lights, no AC, we could still run the coffee maker, microwave, etc, just be careful not to do it all at once. We had some branches down, and a little damage to the rear deck roof but that was it.

Until the wind gusts finally made our radio tower rock so much it pulled two anchors out of the ground and toppled over. So no more internets.
Fox tracked down some replacement sections - they're rohn 20 which is lighter than the rohn 25 most of the tower is built from, but we put them at the very top. The main difference is the 25 will allow you to build a 400 foot tower, while the 20 will "only" get you a 200 foot tower. As our is just 110 feet it isn't a big deal either way. But we borrowed a jin pole (a very simple crane-type tool) and it took us a day and a half but we got it rebuilt.

Fox did the worst of the work on the tower, guiding the pieces into place and bolting everything on. I was Johnny On The Spot on the ground, sending supplies up by pulley, and using the tractor to lift the sections up to him. Each one is about forty pounds, which I can lift, but I could not repeatedly haul that far up in the air reliably.

Fox is currently out buying supplies to start mounting the weather-proof boxes for all the electrical components and switches 'n shit. The tower only has our internet radio on it right now, we'll get the rest of the receivers and antennae and all that good stuff up later.

The 10k trail run I signed up for next week is still on! They emailed me and everything is still go. The 5k beach run, which Fox is doing, is the same, but the 10k has been rerouted due to hurricane damage. They're happening on Anastasia Island, off St. Augustine and in the state park. I was sort of hoping the routes would be the same for a while at least, so he and I could run together, but now I don't know where we're all going. More reason to put some speed on and get across the finish line faster! Plus we're considering an IHOP run afterwards, because breakfast is awesome.

Anyway, it's nice to be back in the 21st century.

I'm doing a 14-mile long run today on the treadmill. If I'd gotten up and out around five I could have done it outside, but I don't have a can of mace yet. I'll be picking that up this week, along with a small cooler to make my own water stop. I'm planning for long runs to just circle Villa Nueva/315/Traiwick multiple times, instead of out and back. That way I can leave a cooler of water and energy gels stashed at the beginning of the loop and I'm not trying to carry all that stuff with me. And between stress eating, not getting a lot of sleep, and being unable to get out and exercise, I put on almost five pounds. Meh. Not the worst weight setback but annoying.

Middleburg actually had some significant flooding - Black Creek backed up and came across Blanding Boulevard, and up into some of the parking lots. A lot of the businesses and buildings in that particular area are built on hills, apparently in case of flooding like this. It's dried out now, but Black Creek is still very high. I'm heading back out Tuesday like normal but I don't plan to go much of anywhere except my "usual" errand stops. That is, I'm not going all the way out to Jacksonville, though I may go up to Jo-Ann's to see what Halloween junk they have.

I'll get back on here later and catch up, but hopefully you and yours got through the storm all right! I'm going to suit up and get my ass on the treadmill. Miles don't run themselves. It would be weird if they did.

(no subject)

Sep. 14th, 2017 05:06 pm
ikneko: (Default)
[personal profile] ikneko
I'm feeling depressed and angry.

I know it's from work but i'm tired of begging and trying to manipulate everyone for more to do.

I'm just bored.

weight gain and loss

Sep. 13th, 2017 09:51 am
ikneko: (Default)
[personal profile] ikneko
So I've been struggling with my weight again. My partner bought a scale and I've been obsessed with it.I'm not at the weight I want to be (I want to be 100lbs) so I'm going on a diet again and trying to change my eating habits to be healthier.

My current eating habits include living off of coffee, ramen, and some of the food my partner makes (which is mostly pasta and other carbs). My goal is to eat more, drink more water, and exercise at least twice or three times a week to get me ready for a November gym membership.


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Dragon in a Droplet

September 2017


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